For a particular brand of human (🙋🏻), there's nothing more satisfying than watching show after show of essentially the same thing. People wanting houses, people buying houses, people decorating houses. It's like real-estate meditation.
The HGTV paradox: If you watch enough HGTV, can you actually absorb enough knowledge to flip a house/decorate it using mason jars/negotiate the price of a farmhouse sink? Answer: Probably, although if your buyers are like the people on pretty much every show, you'll never want to look at a house/talk to humans again.
Here, the secret code of the sisterhood of HGTV die-hards:
1. The Shake of the Head When You Realize a Buyer's Unrealistic Expectations
Why is it, Debra, that you think the housing market hasn't changed since you bought your ranch-style home in the '80s? Riddle me that. Marissa and Bill, tell me HOW you plan on getting a home near your jobs (on opposite sides of town) and also not too far from the lake with 5 bedrooms and 14 baths and a gazebo? TELL ME HOW?
John Mulaney gets it:
2. The Moment You Realize These People Are Vision-Challenged/Have a Little *Too* Much Vision
When a couple thinks that adding structures to their home should be easy/free/totally not a hassle for anyone involved, but the second they see the color yellow on the walls all hell breaks loose. (People—it's called paint.)
Favorite lines include: "Oh, we'll just knock down that wall." "Let's just add a second story." "We can just move the bathroom to the first floor." "What do you mean load-bearing?" "Can't we just take it out?" "Oh my god, that carpet is hideous." "I can't live in a house with that color."
3. The Tears You Shed Knowing You Could Buy a Home in Waco for Next to Nothing
CHIP AND JOANNA, WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME?
4. Speaking of Chip and Joanna, Knowing Just How Much Joanna Loves Barn Doors
And sliding windows. And shiplap. And oversized clocks. And distressed wood. And farmhouse sinks. And, obviously, Chip.
5. That Feeling You Get When Someone Describes Something as "Charming"
Let me guess, you also want something with an "Open Concept" and granite countertops. SHOCKING.
6. Knowing When to Take Out the Trash/Go to the Bathroom/Grab Something from the Other Room
Oh, Chip and Joanna are pulling the old house image away? Cue commercial break.
7. That Feeling You Get When You Correctly Guess Which House They'll Buy on House Hunters
Simultaneously, the extra feeling of glee you get when picking the ones they'll pick even when knowing it's the wrong choice for them. Oh, you plan on having multiple kids but want to buy the smallest house and not have to move for years to come? GOOD CHOICE.
8. The Anger You Feel Knowing They Don't Deserve a G*ddamn Beach House
Including you, June, who lives in Miami but wants to have a getaway/vacation home in TAMPA. WHY? WHY JUNE?
9. The Anger You Feel Knowing New Homebuyers/Renovators Are Doing Something Completely Wrong
Cue you, yelling at the TV as if they can hear you. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PUTTING DOWN WOOD FLOORING IN A HIGH-HUMIDITY STATE WITHOUT SPACING? OOOH I BET YOU'RE HAPPY NOW BUT YOU'RE GOING TO CRY TOMORROW MORNING WHEN YOU SEE BUCKLING.
10. The Feeling When People Just Don't GET IT
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